In one of my favorite Disney movies, The Lion King, the story illustrates the “changing of the guard.” In other words, it portrays the moment when one generation must let go and allow the next generation of parents to take over. The film’s most popular song, titled “The Circle of Life,” resonates with me deeply when discussing parenthood. It prompts reflection on our own journeys in life and the roles parents play in them. While there are countless relationships intertwined in our lives, I believe the parent-child relationship is the most significant and fluid, especially when your kids are all grown up and living their own lives.

I took for granted that I grew up in a house with two parents living under the same roof. Since 50% of marriages end in divorce, and that doesn’t even account for single households where the parents were never married, more than half of the kids in America grow up in single-parent families. This situation can be quite burdensome, especially considering that the single parent has to work, manage all household chores, and strive to be present in their children’s lives. It was hard enough with two parents; I can’t imagine handling all of that alone. Nevertheless, kids are incredibly resilient, and most of them figure out the dynamics of their relationships with their parents and move forward. They have no choice.

I find myself rambling a bit because when I think of the word “parent,” I could write about it forever. My desire to write on this topic comes from various angles. The most obvious one is that I have now been a parent for more than half of my life. That fact is unfathomable to me, yet it’s true. I feel fortunate to still have a parent living, which adds a whole new layer of meaning to the word “parent.”

This brings me back to the idea of the Circle of Life. My mom is 84, and now I’m in the position of parenting and helping taking care of her instead of her taking care of me. She is still lucid but requires guidance and a different kind of parenting that I’m not used to providing. It’s still a work in progress.

The parenting journey consists of many phases. It begins with feeling completely unprepared and fearing that you might cause permanent damage to your child if you make a mistake. Many new parents believe this is the hardest phase and that things will get easier as their kids grow older. “Ha”—that’s a misconception! The time commitment and the challenges that confront a parent become more complex as children age. Their actions begin to carry significant consequences, especially as they enter middle school and beyond. Everything keeps getting more serious.

On the brighter side, the triumphs and joys also grow larger and more fulfilling. This positive aspect often goes unmentioned to new parents, as most of them are simply trying to keep their heads above water. Just be patient the good times just get better and better!

I have previously written about the qualities needed to be a great parent, so I won’t spend much time on that topic here. Just as a quick refresher: be present, show support, and give unconditional love. However, what I haven’t addressed is the transition from being in charge of your children to treating your adult kids as individuals with their own lives, separate from your own.

It’s challenging to let go and refrain from commenting when observing your kids’ adult lives. I often feel the urge to share my opinions on various issues, convinced that I have the right answers. But I remind myself that they are now grown “ass” adults who make their own decisions, whether good or bad.

I believe it’s harder today for older parents to hold their tongues because electronics and technology keep us more connected to our adult children more than ever before. It’s so easy to text, call, or track their whereabouts now compared to just ten years ago. No wonder we, as parents, often think our kids want us to influence the direction of their lives much more than they actually do. Ultimately, they are adults and don’t need a senior citizen offering unsolicited advice on every subject.

I continue to try to bridge the gap from being a parent to becoming more of a peer, where my kids can give me advice and I can take theirs. What a novel idea that is! The roles are now slowly reversing, and I’m sure this shift will accelerate, just as it has between my mom and myself. The circle of life will be complete when I’m no longer on this earth, and my kids eventually have to navigate the relationships with their own adult children. I hope to be around to catch a glimpse of that because it will surely be great theater. What comes around goes around!

No matter what kind of upbringing a child has, thoughts and memories of their parents leave an indelible mark on their life. The only exception might be a child who has no parents at all, a child orphaned for one reason or another. What a hard road that must be! In fact, I can’t think of a harder one. I know something about that; my dad was an orphan.
Looking back now, I realize I should have given him a little more slack when I questioned some of the things he said to me as I was becoming an adult. I understand now that he was doing the best he could with limited guidance and information. If he were alive today, I would tell him that I forgive him for his shortcomings and that I think he did an amazing job, given what he had to deal with as a child.

Thanks, Dad. I love you so much.

I have written a lot in the past about how mentors, both older and younger, have given great examples of how I can improve as a person through life’s journey. One aspect, though, that they didn’t help much with at all was giving me frames of reference to keep me grounded through different aspects of my life. Wow, would that have been helpful! That is not to say that even today, trying to take a breath and hit the “pause button” to put my life’s trials and tribulations in the context of some frame of reference wouldn’t give me a better understanding of inner peace. Pretty deep, huh? Let me explain why I think using frames of reference is an important tool on the road to a zen like life.

Throughout my adult life, I’ve always compared myself to other people, and I’m not proud of that quality, but it’s something I have dealt with for many decades. I never really compared myself to others when I was in school; I did just fine. However, after graduating, there were two areas where I felt the heat of competition. They are in the areas of my career and my family life.

I’ve only had one job out of college—being a financial advisor. After the first year of training, I never had a guaranteed salary; my compensation was based on the revenue I generated. Every month, I would start from scratch. I’ll never forget that every morning when I came to the office, everybody’s monthly income was listed in order based on who did the most. It was pretty cutthroat, but it certainly gave me the impetus to try to be at the top of the list.

I had no frame of reference for what was exceptional, but I do remember a guy in my office named Greg, who beat me every time. It didn’t matter that I beat most everybody else; it was Greg who was just better. The firm never provided a frame of reference for where you stood compared to others your age or those with the same experience. That sure would have been helpful, as I probably wouldn’t have been so obsessed with beating Greg.

More importantly, a frame of reference on happiness and contentment in my persona life would have even been more helpful than worrying so much about my career.

Getting married at 23 and starting a life with the person you love at such a young age gave me much more motivation to be responsible for setting the groundwork for a successful marriage and hopefully a family. My parents got divorced the same year I got married, so they never provided me with a frame of reference for what a successful marriage looked like. I would observe my friends’ relationships and try to compare my relationship to theirs. Luckily, my closest friends had some very good relationships. In fact, 40 years from the day I said “I do,” all of my closest friends are still married to their first wives. Pretty incredible! I’m so proud of my relationship and theirs as well. They have provided me with valuable frames of reference in their relationships. They have been a great resource, and as I have gotten older, I no longer take that for granted.

Having adult children and dealing with the nuances of what to expect from our relationship now, compared to when they were living under our roof, is the final area I’d like to discuss. Our kids are no longer kids; they are full-fledged adults with spouses and careers of their own. The saying “your kids will always be your kids” is very true, yet a frame of reference for what to expect from our relationship would be helpful. How much time do my peers spend with their children? How often do they talk to their kids now? How involved are they with their daily lives? These are areas where there is no right or wrong answer, yet a frame of reference for how they manage this time in their lives is beneficial. It’s not something I ask for advice on; rather, just observing their lives has been very helpful.

In any relationship with your children things are never perfectly in sync, and there have been more ups and downs than I thought possible. I just chalk that up to being human. That said, the qualities that my wife and I felt were imperative for a stable and fruitful family life still resonate today. They are unmitigated love and always attempting to be present in their lives. That is the only area where I haven’t needed a frame of reference to get it right! This is my attempt on providing a frame of reference for you. Good Luck!

This will probably be the shortest post I have written to date, but maybe the best. This past week, four small, different things happened to me over several days that make life worth living.

The first occurred when I got to spend a couple of days with my youngest, playing golf together as team partners. It didn’t matter how we played; what mattered is that he wanted to spend that time with his dad. It was a ball!

The second occurred on Mother’s Day when my daughter’s family came over to swim. She gave my wife the most touching card, explaining what a wonderful role model she is as her journey as a new mom begins. I was so touched.

Thirdly, having just recently returned from a two-week trip to Japan with our two boys and our new daughter-in-law, we received the most heartfelt thank you note from the newlyweds. It was short and sweet, not just thanking us for taking them on the trip, but also explaining how special spending two weeks with us was the best part of the experience.

Finally, the shortest and most surprising thing happened as I was walking our 3-year-old granddaughter to her dad’s car. She said, “Poppy, can you give me a hug and a kiss?” She went on and said, I want a little kiss and a big hug!” It was just one little sentence that made my day.

All of these things are so trivial in one’s life, yet to me those are the moments that make it worth living!

What were the small things that happened to you recently that made life worth living?

Frank Sinatra, the legendary “blue eyes,” sang a song in the 1950s that became one of his biggest hits called “That’s Life.” The song delves into the highs and lows of a person’s life, encapsulating it with the simple phrase, “That’s Life.” The challenges and difficulties that come with the ever-changing landscape of one’s life can be more overwhelming for some individuals than others. In this blog post, I aim to shed some light on this topic.

Change. If there is one word that makes me cringe, it is “change.” I have never been a fan of change. In fact, during my 40s, I vividly remember having conversations with my friends where I would exclaim, “People never change.” I firmly believed that while people may act differently on the surface, deep down, they remain the same person. As a result, I did everything in my power to resist change, never truly accepting the fact that I too would have to change. It was simply easier to maintain the status quo. However, I have recently come to realize that this belief can be misguided and inaccurate, and accepting this has been a difficult pill to swallow. This mindset has not only taken a toll on me mentally but also physically, dampening my enthusiasm for writing in this blog. However, that changes now.

Just like the saying goes, “time never stands still,” it is equally true that people truly do change. One can choose to adapt and embrace the ever-changing landscape, striving to become a better person by respecting it, or one can resist and fight against it to the point of self-destruction. For a long time, I fought against change, convincing myself that it was merely a passing phase or something that I could navigate through effortlessly until things returned to normal. However, I have come to realize that this is not the case. Change is an inevitable part of life.

Will I emerge as a better person on the other side? I certainly hope so. One thing I am certain of is that changing one’s way of thinking and behaving becomes increasingly challenging as we grow older. I never imagined that at the age of 62, I would have to adapt the way I communicate and organize my life. I always believed that things would continue to be smooth sailing, as that was the pattern of my life for the most part. I never really embraced the phrase “That’s Life” because I believed that the major ups and downs in life only happened to others, not to me. However, over the past few years, that notion has been proven wrong. Life has truly tested me.

This is still a work in progress that I am navigating on a daily basis. It requires a great deal of reflection and effort to retrain one’s mindset. However, given the high stakes involved, I am confident that embracing these changes will ultimately make me a better person. I cannot recall a time when life has tested me to the core like it has recently. I understand that everyone faces tests at different points in their lives, and my time is now. I firmly believe that I will emerge from this experience as a stronger individual. In the words of Frank Sinatra’s poignant song, “That’s Life,” it is the very nature of life’s ups and downs that will make the good times even more precious.

How many times in your life has someone told you that something was going to be hard? Quite a few I bet. As a child, probably one of the first times I was told something was hard could have been learning to ride a bike. I can remember my dad telling me that it’s not easy to learn to ride a bike right away. I really didn’t know what he meant until I continually fell off my bike and skinned my knee. That was not fun. I started getting a glimpse of what the word “hard” meant.

Then, as a child, the next challenge for many of us, including myself, was school. There were so many facets that made school hard. It started with trying to make good grades. That was always a “thing” in my house growing up. Getting good grades was very important. Sometimes, it was too important because there were some classes, like Geometry, that I just didn’t get. It didn’t matter to my parents though because I was supposed to get an “A” no matter how hard the class was for me to comprehend. That wasn’t the best way to help a child’s self-esteem.

Another facet of something that can be hard growing up was making friends. Wow, can that be hard for some kids. It was never hard for me, but I bet for a shy kid, making friends was very gut-wrenching. I bet they got a real appreciation for the word “hard” in a hurry. I can’t imagine how hard that might have been for them.

As we get older, the depth of the consequences of successes and failures becomes more important, so the word “hard” takes on more meaning as well. In most people’s lives, high school is more important and harder than middle school, college is more important and harder than high school, and so on. Each of those milestones is different and important, but the word “hard” really hit home when I started my first job out of college. People who were already in the workforce would tell me that work was hard and very different from school. It took me a while to understand what they meant. I guess for me, I began to understand how hard work was going to be when I realized that this was it. There was no next step. I would be working in some type of job for many years to come. That was so hard to comprehend, that I would be working day in and day out for years. Some of the innocence of my youth began to be chipped away. Unbeknownst to me at that time, it was only the beginning.

There can also be nuances in the definition of the word “hard” that took me a long time to understand. When I was in my 20s and 30s, I was so judgmental of people and the whole world itself. “Gray” wasn’t part of my vocabulary; everything was black and white. Eventually, bigger things began happening in my life and the nuances of the word “hard” began to unfold. The first was marriage. I got married at a young age and people would tell us how hard marriage can be. I really never understood what they meant until I had been married for a while, and I don’t completely agree. Marriage is hard only if you value your relationship as the most important thing in your life. It’s not very hard if you put in the same amount of work into it as, let’s say, staying or trying to excel in your career. There is a nuance to the word “hard,” and it depends on one’s values and priorities. Marriage is hard because it’s important to me, but to other people, maybe not so much. I used to be so judgmental on this issue, but not anymore. I have learned that everyone goes about living their own life, and they are living by a different set of priorities than me. That doesn’t make them a bad person.

Now, being in my 60s, I have experienced many difficult times in my life. However, nothing prepared me for losing a parent and my best friend. My wife, too, had already lost both of her parents before I lost my dad, and I was there to console her and provide support. I would tell her how sorry I felt and how “hard” it must be to lose a parent. I never truly understood the meaning of loss until it happened to me. That’s just the way life goes because until something like that happens to you, it’s hard to comprehend how it truly feels.

Ok enough talk about sadness. There is a silver lining when describing the word “hard”. Sayings with the word “hard” in it have been told to me and it has been written about time and time again by people much wiser than myself.

Here are some sayings written by some very famous people who have used the word “hard” to guide them through their lives.

Success is no accident. It is hard work, perseverance, learning, studying, sacrifice and most of all, love of what you are doing or learning to do.” — Pele, Brazilian soccer player

You can’t get there by bus, only by hard work and risk and by not quite knowing what you’re doing. What you’ll discover will be wonderful. What you’ll discover will be yourself.” — Alan Alda, actor

If you really look closely, most overnight successes took a long time.” — Steve Jobs, co-Founder of Apple Inc.

“All our dreams can come true, if we have the courage to pursue them.” — Walt Disney, founder of Walt Disney World

I hope you enjoy reading my blogs as much as I sure enjoy writing them. Have a great holiday season and a happy and healthy 2024!

Cheers!

I haven’t posted anything in a while, and I’m not sure why. Sometimes I just don’t have anything to write about. However, that changed yesterday when I was on our Peloton bike and the instructor said something that really resonated with me. She mentioned that every new morning is like a clean slate, allowing us to forget what happened the day before and start afresh. This concept of a clean slate really struck a chord with me. It reminds me of springtime or newborn babies, when everything feels fresh and new. Nature is the true expert when it comes to a clean slate. During spring, especially in areas with four seasons, plants and trees get a clean slate. All the imperfections that were visible last year have vanished with new growth.

The timeline of a clean slate in someone’s life doesn’t have to be on a daily basis. It can be over a longer-term. You could be starting a new job, getting married, or moving to a different city to start over again. I like the idea of starting over every day. The big things in my life for now are pretty stable. I’m still healthy, my wife still loves me, I have amazing my kids and grandkids, and most of the time I still like my job. However, there are still plenty of demons that roll around in my head from time to time. I know pretty much everybody has things going through their brain that give them trepidation and worry. It’s how we learn to deal with them that makes one a present and productive person.

It would be idealistic to believe that someone can follow a predictable routine and experience the same emotions every single day. As humans, our emotions naturally fluctuate, ranging from periods of anxiety or frustration to moments of euphoria, all of which impact our daily lives. Trying to level out these highs and lows has been a lifelong pursuit for me, albeit with mediocre success. From an outsider’s perspective, I might appear to be in complete control, but internally, my mind can race at a million miles a minute. The idea of waking up to a clean slate each morning is so liberating to me.

One of the greatest ways to make use of a new day is to get out of bed and take a moment to appreciate all the things that I should be grateful for, even if I tend to take many of them for granted. The act of being grateful is often overlooked and underappreciated. How often do you pause and reflect on all the things you are grateful for? If you are like me probably not enough.

I have previously mentioned that one of the benefits of getting older is that young people often seek my advice on various issues they are currently facing. Selfishly, it gives me a moment to reflect and assess if I am actually living by the advice I give. Hopefully, it’s not just empty words, and I can truly listen to my own guidance and become a better partner to my wife and to the people I encounter in life. Sometimes, I succeed in doing so, and other times, not so much. The concept of a clean slate resonates with me. It brings a sense of purity and upliftment. Regardless of how terrible a day has been or how poorly I may have treated someone I care about, the next day offers a fresh start, a new beginning on a clean slate. I understand it may sound simplistic, but it can become anyone’s reality if they truly believe in it. Because when your mind believes it’s true, you’ve already won half the battle. Your own mind will position you to have a clean slate and will guide you to become a better person. Give it a try!

For one reason or another, I have stayed very close to some of my kids’ friends. I guess they look at me as a mentor in some aspects of their lives. However, the surprising thing is that they have become mentors to me too. That’s a good thing because everyone needs mentors.

Let me elaborate. Mentors come in different shapes and sizes at different times in one’s life. As a child, the first mentor I can remember was in my sophomore year of high school. Dr. Bill Heyde didn’t just teach social studies; he was incredibly passionate about all of the students’ lives he touched. He invited us to come over to his house in the summertime and talk about what was going on in the world. He would always chaperone us on various field trips and call us all “great Americans.” He taught me to be a positive person and always see the best in people. What a great way to go through life!

Fast forward to when I was 24 years old and about to start my first job out of college. I was getting married later that year and had no idea what was expected of me as a new stock broker. So, I decided to sit in the office of one of the biggest producers every morning and just listen to how he talked to his clients. This experience was invaluable. Mort became my mentor at work. He would talk to me about the attributes needed to be successful, not just at work but also in life. (On a different note, one of the biggest negatives resulting from COVID is the lack of time new employees get to just listen and be mentored by seasoned professionals in the office.) Mort was part of my life for over two decades, and I am so grateful for the time we spent together. As his career wound down, he would call me and ask questions on different subjects. In a small way, I was able to be his mentor. Mentorships can surely go both ways.

The first time I had the opportunity to mentor someone at work was purely by luck. I was 29 years old and my career was starting to take off, so Charlie, my office manager at the time, asked if I would join him on a recruiting trip to the University of Texas at Austin. I agreed, and we went to Austin to interview prospective job candidates from the business school. Since I had no experience with interviewing, my questions were mostly focused on why the candidates wanted to be financial advisors.

One candidate stood out from the rest, and eventually Charlie offered him a job in my office. I always tell people that I stopped interviewing potential employees after Charlie hired Scot because no other candidate could have done better than Scot. I was “batting a thousand” with hiring Scot, so I figured I should quit while I was ahead!

Scot would come sit in my office, and I became his mentor, just like Mort was to me. It’s a role that I cherish to this day because, in addition to being his mentor, we have become great friends. Fast forward to today, besides being one of the most successful financial advisors in the country (way surpassing me!), he has become my mentor in so many aspects of my life. Mentorships can certainly go both ways.

In many families, a parent, sibling, or close relative can be an important mentor in a young person’s life. Probably my father was the closest thing to being a mentor while I was growing up, because he taught me that working hard and always striving to do your best are cornerstones to a successful career. Yet, I wouldn’t call my dad a mentor. In fact, since I was the oldest child in my family, I have been looked upon as the most responsible, thus at times a mentor to my siblings, especially my brother. There have been times in his life when he has needed advice, and I have been the one he has turned to. Recently, though, the roles have reversed; now I go to him for advice, and he sometimes gives me guidance when he thinks I’m going astray. What a nice change! Mentorships can certainly go both ways.

I began this post by stating that I’m still very close to some of my kids’ friends even as adults. Am I some of their mentors? Maybe a little. I think to be a mentor to your kids’ friends, you have to be looked upon in a positive light by your own children first. There are many fine attributes I have taken from my parents, but as I became a father myself, I wanted to be a better dad than my father was to me. Mentoring my kids, or at least being a role model to the best of my ability, was and still is at the top of the list. Obviously, this is something I could never do by myself. In our home, successfully parenting our kids has been a collaborative effort between me and my wife. In fact, there are so many areas that my wife has mentored me on how to be a better parent and also just a better person as we go through our journey of life together. Thanks, honey!

There are always ways to grow as a person, no matter how old you are. So many people, including my kids’ friends, mentor me in particular areas of my life that I didn’t think were possible. I would like to think that I am open enough to use their guidance to my benefit. Sometimes, it isn’t very easy to do because, as someone older, I often feel like I know better. But that’s wrong! I should know better because mentorships go both ways.