I have written a lot in the past about how mentors, both older and younger, have given great examples of how I can improve as a person through life’s journey. One aspect, though, that they didn’t help much with at all was giving me frames of reference to keep me grounded through different aspects of my life. Wow, would that have been helpful! That is not to say that even today, trying to take a breath and hit the “pause button” to put my life’s trials and tribulations in the context of some frame of reference wouldn’t give me a better understanding of inner peace. Pretty deep, huh? Let me explain why I think using frames of reference is an important tool on the road to a zen like life.

Throughout my adult life, I’ve always compared myself to other people, and I’m not proud of that quality, but it’s something I have dealt with for many decades. I never really compared myself to others when I was in school; I did just fine. However, after graduating, there were two areas where I felt the heat of competition. They are in the areas of my career and my family life.

I’ve only had one job out of college—being a financial advisor. After the first year of training, I never had a guaranteed salary; my compensation was based on the revenue I generated. Every month, I would start from scratch. I’ll never forget that every morning when I came to the office, everybody’s monthly income was listed in order based on who did the most. It was pretty cutthroat, but it certainly gave me the impetus to try to be at the top of the list.

I had no frame of reference for what was exceptional, but I do remember a guy in my office named Greg, who beat me every time. It didn’t matter that I beat most everybody else; it was Greg who was just better. The firm never provided a frame of reference for where you stood compared to others your age or those with the same experience. That sure would have been helpful, as I probably wouldn’t have been so obsessed with beating Greg.

More importantly, a frame of reference on happiness and contentment in my persona life would have even been more helpful than worrying so much about my career.

Getting married at 23 and starting a life with the person you love at such a young age gave me much more motivation to be responsible for setting the groundwork for a successful marriage and hopefully a family. My parents got divorced the same year I got married, so they never provided me with a frame of reference for what a successful marriage looked like. I would observe my friends’ relationships and try to compare my relationship to theirs. Luckily, my closest friends had some very good relationships. In fact, 40 years from the day I said “I do,” all of my closest friends are still married to their first wives. Pretty incredible! I’m so proud of my relationship and theirs as well. They have provided me with valuable frames of reference in their relationships. They have been a great resource, and as I have gotten older, I no longer take that for granted.

Having adult children and dealing with the nuances of what to expect from our relationship now, compared to when they were living under our roof, is the final area I’d like to discuss. Our kids are no longer kids; they are full-fledged adults with spouses and careers of their own. The saying “your kids will always be your kids” is very true, yet a frame of reference for what to expect from our relationship would be helpful. How much time do my peers spend with their children? How often do they talk to their kids now? How involved are they with their daily lives? These are areas where there is no right or wrong answer, yet a frame of reference for how they manage this time in their lives is beneficial. It’s not something I ask for advice on; rather, just observing their lives has been very helpful.

In any relationship with your children things are never perfectly in sync, and there have been more ups and downs than I thought possible. I just chalk that up to being human. That said, the qualities that my wife and I felt were imperative for a stable and fruitful family life still resonate today. They are unmitigated love and always attempting to be present in their lives. That is the only area where I haven’t needed a frame of reference to get it right! This is my attempt on providing a frame of reference for you. Good Luck!